Why did you bring your son in the bathroom with you, did you think I would harm him or something? My quick answer was “no, of course not, I just didn’t want anyone to feel they needed to keep an eye on him while I went to the bathroom.” Although this question puzzled me a little, it was valid. I was overprotective of Miles. I did not let him out of my sight and when I did leave him, 15 mins was the max. I just wanted him to be safe. My sexual abuse was creeping into my motherhood and how I parented Miles. When Moms were naming their children’s genitals with nicknames, I did not do that, I called a penis a penis because I did not want him to be confused. When people were allowing their children to be kept for a long period of time by sitters, I did not do that! I needed to make sure that he could communicate with me just in case something happened.
I would not be able to handle if something happened to him and I made the decision to let him go. The weight of being a parent was hard as it is but when I began to think of all of the horrible things that could happen if I let him out of my sight, it made me physically and mentally sick. Miles was suffering because of my past. I somehow made my reality his. We had loving friends and family that I could trust but I just could not. Healing for me was complex because I had to love a man & a child while mending my wounds and it was NOT easy.
If you are a mom, you may have experienced what seemed like a midlife crisis when it comes to your child (ren) getting older, mines were a lot sooner. Miles was 2 turning 3 and I spiraled. I could not handle the fact that he was growing up. I called Terrance in the middle of the night lying on the bathroom floor and I cried. I told him that I was sad that we brought a child into this world that is cruel and mean. One day he will make his own decisions, one day I won’t be able to protect him and one day I won’t be able to tell him who to watch out for; his decisions and choices will be his own, that weighed a lot on me. Terrance listened and told me that he worried too but God is much bigger than any of our worries and that Miles would be okay! We prayed together and I rested well that night.
My prayer life became rapid and important during this time (still is). I read God’s word and I had to rest in God’s truth; that He would protect Miles and that He is with him every step of the way! I could not let what I went through keep my son from thriving and being the best that he could be. Trauma has a way of making you feel trapped and if you are not careful you will trap those around you too. My motherhood is everything because of all the things that I went through. Yes, I am here to protect Miles, but I am not the ultimate protector, God is. I rest today knowing that: Miles is covered, Miles is protected.
Thanks so much for reading my series: Sharing my Story of Sexual Abuse. I appreciate you for reading and following along. Healing was and still is so important to me. There are things that still present themselves and I am so grateful that I am equipped to handle them effectively now. I thank God for who He is to me and how He loves me; I am because He is.
Always remember you not a victim, you are a survivor.
Kiara
-TBMx